Another week, another anonymous sex story from one of our readers (you can read our last one here). This time round we’re chatting to Paige* who left an otherwise happy marriage because her husband of a decade didn’t want to have sex with her.
Paige is 38* and lives in the UK. Here she shares her story…
“My husband was loyal, devoted, caring. He was a brilliant father, a great housemate and all round lovely bloke BUT with a sex drive of zero. And, four years ago I left him – and our happy marriage – because he didn’t want to have sex with me.”
“I first confronted him about it six months into our relationship. I said that I was really happy with him, but that he clearly didn’t fancy me as he never wanted sex. He was at pains to tell me how much he did fancy me, that the ‘need’ just didn’t take him. He reassured me repeatedly that he would be more aware and not leave me feeling unwanted, as that was far from the truth.”
“Time passed. I loved him, we got married, had children, had a brilliant life and were a great team. But there was this one huge thing missing from our relationship – sex. We didn’t have sex unless I instigated it. But I longed for the closeness that a sexual attraction gives you. His lack of interest left me feeling resentful, lonely and ashamed.”
“Our cycle was that every three months I’d break down and sob and tell him again how hard I was finding this void and his total disinterest in me physically. He’d always say that he was so sorry and that he wanted to change but that he was too tired, too busy, and that life got in the way. He’d ask me to give it longer. I think we had that same conversation every three months for probably eight years.”
“In the end I said that I wanted us to try counselling as I couldn’t carry on. We went for 18 months. He rarely actioned any of his ‘homework’. Again, too tired, too busy. It was so worthwhile, but ultimately it only really works if you’re both willing to put the work in. And, can you really change either party if you are so mismatched in one aspect?”
“My body image and self confidence sunk so low. Honestly? Being physically ignored for ten years by the person who should cherish you most was soul destroying. Society, friends, TV and films perpetuate this myth of men and their raging sex drives and it’s just not always the reality. I was left feeling like a sexless lump. I was so sad and lonely as I felt too embarrassed to ever admit what was going on.”
“You might ask why I married him, carried on if I felt like this? But he would never just admit that this was him and that I had to make a choice. There was always the carrot of ‘it won’t be like this’. I guess maybe he knew that I would not have willingly entered into a sexless marriage if he’d admitted to it.”
“I’ve often thought how this would be perceived if the gender roles are reversed and I think it’s important to be clear, it’s not necessarily about the physical act of sex. It’s about physical attraction, flirtation, and about making an effort to be sure that your partner feels seen in their needs.”
“A number of things happened that brought it all to a final head. He had suggested for a while that I go and find someone else to have sex with and stay in a sham of a marriage. I hated this idea. I knew that if he was seriously suggesting that then we had reached the end of the road. My frustration with his lack of effort or self awareness was at breaking point. And then out of nowhere we had a silly argument about something and we looked at each other and I just said ‘I think this is it’.”
“We divorced and now have an amicable and healthy relationship co-parenting. In fact, we get on well (after the initial hurdles of parting). I’m in a new relationship and my whole life and sense of self has changed. I am a totally different person because of eventually making that decision.”
“I wanted to share this story in case any one else is in that situation as I felt so totally alone for so long. Divorce isn’t an easy choice but also, if sex is important to you, neither is feeling unfulfilled. Maybe some people can live with that, but in the end, I really couldn’t.”
Leave a Reply