You grow up thinking that grown-ups always have regular sex. That, once you’re ‘old’ you’ll have it at least two to three times a week, because well, that’s the statistic you once read in a magazine. But what if, actually, life isn’t like that at all, and you become an adult who doesn’t have sex?
We spoke to six women, all anonymously, who shared the details about why they’re not having sex right now. They all have completely different reasons, reminding us that not all sex lives come in the same shapes, sizes and, well… frequency.
Meet our women…
“My partner has just had a vasectomy”
Sally, 36, is a stay-at-home parent to two kids. She says: “During a lengthy induction with my first child, I developed what we later realised was an allergic reaction to the latex gloves that were being used. And, once home and less sleep deprived, we resumed our sex lives with latex-free condoms. But after the birth of my second child, my body had different ideas. The first time we had sex, I ended up having the itchiest, most uncomfortable few weeks of my life. I was only comfortable in the bath and spent the entire Christmas with an itch I just wanted to scratch, awake through the night, counting down the hours until the GP and pharmacy were back open. Since then every period has involved a similar, albeit, milder reaction, despite using period pants.”
“Keen to resume some semblance of a sex life, I tried to go back on the same contraceptive pill I was on before we had children, and had horrific migraines. So that avenue was a no go for us as well. We were happy with two children and decided that the best contraception would be a vasectomy for my husband. We were planning to a few years down the line, but our complete lack of sex life certainly sped up the decision.”
“We’re currently waiting the advised time to check the surgery has worked properly – it’s been six months since we last had sex and it’s been really difficult to feel the same connection to my husband, without the intimacy that sex brings. It’s felt at times like we are friends co-parenting, and we’ve definitely been arguing more than usual. It’s difficult to know whether it’s not having sex that has affected our relationship, or whether it’s a global pandemic and parenting two young sleep-avoiding children that have taken their toll.”
“I’ve moved back in with my mum”
Rachel is 28, single and works in marketing. She says: “I’ve been living with my mum since Lockdown 1.0 began. I’d been living abroad before the pandemic kicked off and had to come home in a hurry – which meant moving back in with my mum. Being back in my childhood bedroom definitely isn’t conducive to a wild sex life. This means that even when I do actually go on dates, it’s always in the back of my mind that I don’t have the option of taking them home and I don’t really like to go to men’s houses as I feel like that is less safe.”
“It’s been about nine months since I last had sex and it definitely gets me down. I miss sex itself but also the lack of physical intimacy that goes along with that. At the moment, dating apps are the only way to meet men. I have used them on and off for the past few years whilst being single, but honestly just really don’t enjoy them. I find it hard to connect with men who are there for the right reasons. In normal life, I’m a massive people person so I much prefer to meet people in real life.With the pandemic and various lockdowns etc I’ve had to accept that the apps are a necessary evil right now.”
“My partner is transitioning”
Tania, 26, works in advertising and has been with her partner for ten years. She says: “In March 2020 my partner told me that she was trans. I am a bisexual woman, so the attraction I feel to her is not dependent on her presenting as male, but of course, this new information has changed our relationship.”
“The status of trans healthcare in the UK is honestly shocking, with waiting lists for initial consultations over five years in some cases. The pandemic has only added to the delays and in the meantime, my partner has begun to feel at odds with her body. As someone who doesn’t experience gender dysphoria it’s hard to imagine not recognizing the body I have as being my own. I have found myself avoiding initiating sex because I don’t want to make her dysphoria worse through an erection. She often has a deep-seated frustration at her body, and I can only imagine trying to feel sexy in that situation is difficult.”
“It’s been six months since we last had sex, but we’ve never been a couple who have it a lot. I miss the intimacy that comes with having sex with another person, and the act of another person bringing you to orgasm. I still love her and find her attractive, so it’s hard to see that in
someone and them not see it in themselves. For me, the most important thing is that the woman I love is happy with her body and that our sex
lives fulfil us both! I’d like to return to our slow Sunday love-making sessions.”
“I’ve just become a single mum”
Kelly, 33, has a baby daughter and is newly single. She says: “My partner of 13 years cheated on me and left me whilst I was pregnant and we were in the middle of a pandemic. In October, I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl, who is unbelievably perfect and the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I was recently headhunted by a business I’ve been wanting to work at for years, and into one of their most senior positions. I have gone back to work four days a week whilst my little girl is having a riot at my parents and sister’s houses when I’m working.”
“At seven months postpartum, sex isn’t high on my list of priorities, and I don’t want to engage in it with anyone until I feel completely ready. The
next time I have sex, it will be the first time I’ve had sex since giving birth so I need to make sure I feel ready and that I completely trust the man I’ll be with. I want to be in a relationship where I am completely respected, and feel fully supported in whatever I choose to do.”
“I’m on my third round of IVF”
Chloe, 31, has been married for four years. She says: “We used to be great at having sex, and after getting married we knew we wanted to start a family as soon as possible. We had planned to have at least two kids, but after a year of trying and nothing happening we both became increasingly tired and frustrated of timed sex, no foreplay and a kick in the stomach when my period arrived every month. After another year of painfully trying we saw our GP. It turns out it would be impossible to conceive naturally. We finally had answers but also a reason to stop trying. And we did exactly that. We just stopped.”
“Fast forward another year and a half and we are going into our third round of fertility treatment. Not being allowed to have sex during certain times of an IVF cycle, combined with lockdown, infertility weight gain, a lack of self confidence and the constant reminder that my body won’t do what I so badly want it to do, has made me feel like sex is the very last thing I desire. I feel guilty and ashamed that we aren’t having sex as a young couple. It’s become awkward and now I wouldn’t even know how to initiate it.”
“My last relationship was abusive”
Carrie, 37, is single and had a five-year-old son. She says: “I got married at 31 and fell pregnant shortly after. It wasn’t a happy relationship – there were lots of red flags and I knew well before the wedding that it wasn’t a good situation. But, I wasn’t in a good place and didn’t feel confident enough to leave, and chose to believe it was as good as I deserved. My ex and I had sex infrequently and because of that I know when my son was conceived. I also know that was the last time I had sex.”
“Once my son was born the relationship got even worse – verging on physically abusive and certainly emotionally very damaging. I left when my baby was five months old and moved away to live near family at the other end of the country, where I knew no-one. It took a lot to rebuild myself a life, find a job that gave me a sense of fulfillment and become happy with myself as a single parent.”
“My sex life is non existent. I also, honestly, feel very little interest in a relationship, even the connection, the romantic side or the exciting beginning. It just doesn’t fit with my life right now. I hope that at some point in the future, when my son is older and I have the emotional capacity, I’ll somehow be able to meet someone and rediscover this side of myself. But for now I am pretty happy with my lot.”
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