In our latest installment of Sex Stories, we’re chatting to 29-year-old Georgina* about the impact that giving up dating men (and those who identify as men) has as had on her sex life.
This is her story…
“I was comphet (compulsory heterosexual) for most of my life and I never understood why I struggled so much in relationships. They made me feel so anxious and self-deprecating. I was so focused on being liked that I would mold myself into whatever I thought the man I was with wanted me to be and then, when it inevitably ended, I would agonise over what I did wrong and why I found it so hard.”
“My most successful relationships would be long-distance. And I guess, in hindsight, it helped when I didn’t subconsciously have to keep up an act full-time. What I thought was attraction, or love, was really admiration for them as a person mixed with the toxic idea that my worth was given to me by the approval of men.”
“Between relationships, I would sleep with women. I’ve always known I was at least partially attracted to women because even when I was a kid I had crushes on other girls. But this was so easily dismissed – I even had a doctor tell me it was promiscuity, a side effect of poor mental health, to be attracted to multiple genders and not have a sexual orientation.”
“I’ve now officially been single for 4-5 years, and about two years ago I realised that I’m queer and since then I’ve only dated women and people who don’t identify as men. Finally letting myself only date women has changed the power dynamics around sex hugely for me. I’ve always been pretty adventurous, but have always felt like a weirdo for not being into the same thing as the men I’ve been with. Because of that, sex became performative and not something I particularly enjoyed.”
“I didn’t have sex at all whilst I was figuring out my sexuality. I must have gone about two years not having sex or trying to date anyone.”
“Sleeping with women has been awesome. I’ve just been trying everything and I feel like a total novice as previous sexual encounters with women have always been one night stands. But I love that it’s so different, yet I’m so comfortable with it. It’s literally like rediscovering sex.”
“I would love to find one person who is probably more experienced in lesbian relationships than I am, but with a similar sex drive. There is so much to explore in lesbian sex which I’ve been so limited with because of the past 18 months. I feel like I’ve finally come to terms with my sexuality and can actually enjoy sex with people I like… but I’m living in a rural village in the midst of a restrictive pandemic. It has, however, provided me with a lot of time to accept my sexuality and navigate what I want in a relationship, sexual or otherwise. I just wish I had the opportunity to date more before the world closed down, but it is what it is.”
“I’ve been so used to being the submissive one in hetero relationships, having sex with women has made me way more open to power play and that’s something I’d love to explore more. I’ve been casually seeing someone recently, we’ll call her ‘K’, and we don’t get to see each other that often, so we’re only having sex once every couple of weeks. But if I’m in a relationships then I would say sex 3-4 times a week is normal for me.”
“Toys are a big part of my sex life, with or without a partner. I masturbate every morning, switching between my go-to bullet or rabbit. Masturbation, for me, is solely to orgasm. It’s like stress-relief and self care before getting on with my day. It’s been part of my routine pretty much all of my adult life.”
“If you are recently out, whether it’s as bi, pan, queer or lesbian, don’t stress too much about sleeping with someone the same gender as you for the first time. It’s easy to build it up as a huge pressure to be the absolute best in bed, or it’s embarrassing to admit you haven’t had sex with a woman before. But when you’re actually attracted to someone, good sex is way more natural. And be flexible in finding your identity, you don’t have to pick a lane and stay in it or have the perfect definition for who you are attracted to and why. I hope anyone who has gone through something
similar to what I have finds the freedom to explore their sexuality without shame or prejudice.”
You can read more of our Sex Stories features here.