Break-ups are inevitable – whether it’s us, our mates, or our family members, the chances are we likely all know someone who’s going through a relationship break-up or on the cusp of doing so. But after a wild two years in which many of us found ourselves re-thinking every aspect of our lives, more people than ever seem to be considering leaving their partner.
When we ran an Instagram stories poll just before Christmas, there was more than 300 of you who said you were thinking about ending things with your current partner. But it’s not just you. Plenty of solicitor firms have released figures over the past 12 months that show that divorce enquiries have almost doubled since the first lockdown, and that more than ever it’s women initiating that initial contact.
We spoke to four different women, all anonymously, about their relationships. Some of them have already come through the other side, and others are still at the ‘thinking it through’ stage, here’s what they want to tell you…
” I’m mourning losing nearly 10 years of my life.”
Tara* is 26-years-old and recently separated from her fiance after nearly a decade together. She says: “I’d been unhappy for a few years on and off but generally assumed that it was part of the ups and downs of being in a long-term relationship. I wasn’t really able to leave my partner because financially and logistically it wasn’t viable. My nearest family was 100 miles away and I didn’t want to uproot my life, I didn’t have the money to pay for a deposit on somewhere new to rent and wouldn’t be able to pay for two lots of rent at the same time. It was one of those things where I’d just sort of accepted that this was what my life was going to be like. “
“In August last year my mum asked how I was feeling about my partner and I told her that they weren’t great but that it was the way things were, and she offered me a lifeline and told me she would help with rent and helping me move if I needed it. And since that point I hadn’t been able to stop thinking it, and about how the only thing which was stopping me was the logistics, which felt ridiculous when I considered my unhappiness.”
“I never felt I was allowed to see my friends or family without coming home to a sulk, I couldn’t pick decorations in our home without prior approval, I wasn’t allowed to engage in LGBT+ things like volunteering (which was really important to me to help me identify as queer in a heterosexual relationship), I did all of the cooking and cleaning despite also working full time, I normally filled the bill when we went out or needed some extra cash at the end of the month even though I earned less than him, sex was relegated to only Sunday mornings and if I didn’t get it perfect then he would treat me horribly for the following eight hours. The list of reasons it was making me unhappy could go on and on.”
“I tried to break up with him in September, and then again in October. Both times he told me I was being ridiculous. In November I tried for the third time – and truly committed, calling his mum to warn her so that she could support him, I had my bag packed and somewhere to stay that night – and he convinced me that I’d never told him any of my issues and that I needed to communicate better with him. At that point I felt emotionally exhausted: I’d brought myself to almost jumping off the end of a diving board with someone clinging on to me stopping me each time on three occasions and resolved to just wait until after Christmas for the sake of simplicity. I went on a rare night out with some friends from work and met someone, we got chatting and kissed. I came home and told my partner, and finally felt free – surely I had done something now that would convince him that I wanted to leave him and that I could escape – but he immediately told me he forgave me and that it was okay. But from that point I had detached, I was determined that this was it. After about a month he accepted it and took some of my belongings and emptied our joint bank account, meaning I had to resort to using a food bank until I got paid.”
“I’ve moved into my own place now and feel so much better. It’s been refreshing to be able to pick my own duvet covers and go out and see friends I haven’t seen in years and spend a week away with my family – there are so many things that I didn’t realise I was missing out on that were normal. And since leaving, the more things I realise he did that weren’t normal, the more I struggle to believe that I put up with it for so long. I’m mourning losing nearly 10 years of my life.”
“I’m tentatively enjoying the chaos of Tinder and going on dates! I’m not looking for anything serious at the moment but I’m equally enjoying being able to explore myself as a person, working out what actually interests me and developing my own personality. I’m also hoping to be able to reach a point where I am comfortably queer, as this is something that I’ve felt a need to suppress for so long because he made me feel like it wasn’t allowed or that it was frowned upon.”
“We have been seeing a therapist since October”
Lexie* is 33-years-old and has been with her partner for a decade. She says: “Me and my husband both used to get plenty of attention from the opposite sex when we met. We both had quite free and exciting twenties and have both always been extremely independent, so meeting someone who was as like-minded as me felt like a real blessing.”
“I was only 23 when we met but really felt like I had done a lot by then. I never went to university, so straight out of school I did a lot of travelling and by some stroke of luck landed a job that has led to a quite successful career. I really don’t feel like we have missed out on anything, but we left it quite late in our relationship to get married compared to our friends – which I guess is the main reason we have never feel like we are quite on track. We both have traditional views on family life and wanted to be married before we started a family, but we had no idea about our fertility issues until about two years ago. Naively we just assumed it would all be okay.”
“Struggling to conceive has created such a massive barrier for us. My husband now sees intimacy as a ‘what’s the point?’ job rather than something to just enjoy. I have gained about three stone and this has shattered any self-esteem I had. My husband is gorgeous and it feels as though he is only getting better with age, where as I feel like the ten years we have been together really show on me. Naturally, the less time we spend getting closer the more I feel abandoned and lonely. Being in a place where I want to leave our marriage can be split down to two reasons. The first one is that I want to have a family, but my husband isn’t that keen on having sex any more and if my husband won’t give me a baby I’d like to explore all options before I’m too old. The second side of the coin is that I know how much my husband wants a family and if he’s not up for having sex with me then I feel need to give him the option to be a dad to someone else’s kids and set a life up for himself where he is happy.”
“We have been seeing a therapist since October and I genuinely believe that anyone who is going through something like this should really see somebody to help them unpack things. Since October our sex life has improved dramatically to the point where it’s like we just met. There will always be this lingering can we/can’t we have a baby, but the intimacy with each other has completely returned. As far as I can see in the future this is a marriage that I want to be in and something that I think I can find happiness in.”
“I love my husband dearly I love the life that we currently that we have and the adventures our careers afford us, I definitely feel like the baby puzzle piece will of course always be missing…”
“I feel sad that I spent so long being a ‘muted’ version of myself”
Katie* is 27-years-old and split with her husband two years into her marriage. She says: “Me and B* met on a dating site whilst I was at uni. I was always the ‘fat friend’ and felt like I couldn’t meet anyone in the usual ways. Before coming to uni, I had been in a relationship with someone 10 years older than me, where in hindsight, I was definitely groomed and I hadn’t processed or dealt with that. When I met B* I didn’t feel any particular way, but he was nice and polite and safe. He wasn’t offensive. He was quiet and introverted. I just didn’t want to be lonely, and as he didn’t have any friends, he was happy to spend all his free time with me and this worked just fine.”
“I fell pregnant about three months into relationship and chose to have a termination. I was surprised that this didn’t upset me, as I’d always wanted children. I just knew that I didn’t want his baby.”
“After uni we moved in together. He wasn’t very domesticated, so I would do all of the housework, manage the money and organise our diaries. He didn’t really like going out, or getting up, so we used to argue about it. I felt that I was dulling my ‘zest for life’ all the time for an easier life, one where I didn’t have to fight to get him out the front door. B* had come from a very wealthy background, so was used to life being a certain way. I couldn’t match that as our wages weren’t particularly good. I ended up in around £15,000 worth of debt trying to keep up.”
“We sat on the sofa one night, and he turned to me and said ‘Well shall we get married then? I’ve got you a ring.’ I just said ‘okay’ and that was that – we got married.”
“I felt such a small, muted version of myself. I began suffering with anxiety and was stuck in a thick fog of depression. He would bitch and gossip about my friends and family and he didn’t like to socialise or go out and experience new things. In the end I stopped talking to him.”
“Eventually I started a new job, and I met a security guard there. He was everything I’d ever wanted. I knew the fact that I could even daydream without guilt and wish, pray, for attention from him meant that I needed to end things. It felt like the scariest risk. Within a matter of weeks I had told my husband that I wanted to separate. He didn’t really seem to mind too much. He wanted to take the cat – which was fine by me as I didn’t even know if I’d have somewhere to live myself let alone with my cat. I didn’t feel sad or angry, I felt uprooted and unsteady instead. However uncomfortable this may be, I knew it would only be short term while I sorted everything out.”
“And now? I feel sheer and utter relief. I feel sad that I spent so long being a ‘muted’ version of myself, and there’s certain things that I used to do that feel so alien to me now – for example, sitting in my bedroom alone all day every day. I do feel a sense of regret – worry that I wasted precious life time in a situation that actively made me unhappy. For the first time in many years, I’ve felt like me again. I’ve felt the brightest lights of pure happiness and I have laughed every single day. I’m now in the happiest relationship of my life with the aforementioned security guard. He is excitable and has a zest for life just like me. I just wanted to live a life where I could be free to experience all of its joy. I’m definitely a romantic who wants to see the world in a beautiful way, and I needed someone who wanted to always see the best too. I wanted someone to be on my team – to help me when I needed help. Now, I live my life in a way that I never could have dreamt of. I feel so happy and finally like I’m where I am supposed to be.”
“Our relationship isn’t perfect, but then can it ever be?”
Ashleigh* is 35-years-old and has been with her partner for eight years, and they have two small children. She says: “Me and my partner don’t have a bad relationship, and there are plenty of positive parts to it and plenty of moments where I feel happy, but I still can’t help but wonder if this is it? I just can’t imagine not ever meeting someone new again.”
“Like a lot of couples I know, things felt like they shifted after we had kids. It felt like I was picking up the slack and the extra workload and always the one to make sacrifices. It made me feel like superwoman and made me view him as lazy, even if maybe in reality he wasn’t that lazy at all. It feels hard to emotionally come back from that. Even as life gets easier as the kids grow up, I can’t forget how lonely it felt in the early days. I want us to be together because I want that for my kids and I do love him. I love the life I’ve built for us in my head – the house, the holidays, our family together – BUT I always wonder if I’d be happier on my own.”
“I first let the idea into my head not long after my first was born, and since then it’s been hard to unthink it. I wonder if I could eventually find someone who fits in more with who I am now that I am in my thirties compared to who I was in my twenties. Maybe we’ve grown apart.”
“I feel most myself when I’m on my own, at work, or with my friends. I feel confident and I like who I am. But I feel like I hold myself back around my partner, probably partly because I have always been a bit of a people-pleaser. We could probably do with therapy, or having a big chat, but a lot of the time it just feels easier to tick along and keep things settled. Our relationship isn’t perfect, but then can it ever be?”
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